So it has been a very long time since I have blogged. I honestly, I stopped because i didn't want it to become something to draw attention towards me, and i felt that it was moving in that direction. But, life has happened since then, and I realize as a human being and an artist I need a journal, I need an outlet. Whether this blog or another develops into that outlet is to remain, but for tonight, that's what it is. So I don't care if anyone reads this or not. The Internet is there for those to choose to use it and I feel the same about my writings.
This originally started off as a face book status but after being 630 something characters over the limit, I figured it would be a good time to revive this blog.
This all comes as a response to post i saw from a very good friend and want to share it with you first so you have a reference point.
Do not try to make God fit you.When you die, He will continue as He has. He is sovereign.His will is perfect.We are not God.When we focus on ourselves, even if it is to better ourselves, we make ourselves a god.Instead, focus on Christ and His will.Glory in every breath.Glory in every suffering.They are His story being told.The end is Christ.Look to Him in everything, even if it changes you.Hopefully it changes you.
I got to thinking about how lately I have been so consumed with my personal agenda that i have neglected in investing in things/people that don't align completely with that agenda. I realized the fallacy of this direction after having a close friend point out the error in my ways(this is a sign of a true friend, and if you don't have people in your life that can do this do you, you need to get them. They take time and investment, a but a friend like this is worth its weight in gold). So in my response I saw this comparison to how we as Americans feel its OK to just clock in and clock out and not be invested because we have a different personal agenda.
Corporate America has taught us that "putting in the minimum or required expectation at work should be translated into our personal lives. Think about it -
People used to work by the hour - work over time to earn more money
People now work on salary - there fore watch the clock and leave on the dot
In our personal lives we donate exactly ten percent of our tithe, nothing more nothing less, we give our family what is expected make sure we are home for dinner, spend some time maybe on the weekends (sunday afternoon if we're lucky).
I feel like whether it was corporate America or some other institution we have lost the art of full fledged invest in what we do. Full investment in our art or craft or trade, our family, our work, our country, and our livelihood. From my travels, i've seen how the rest of the world gets this principle .... Look at Egypt, they get it. They are fully invested in their future and "clocking in and out" wasn't good enough for them. How many of us would take a day off of work with or without pay to spend more time with those we value?
When will start fully investing in everything we do? From our families, to our jobs, to are very future?
I can't tell you how many times i have sat and watched the clock waiting for the time i put in to be complete. This work mind set has destroyed my character. I used to be so passionately involved in what i was doing but this year i have seen how the focus can shift when you are not investing every moment. The reason I watch the clock is because I'd rather spend the time with my family (which is worth investing in ) but I have seen this behavior creep into my personal life. This apathetic behavior has effected my art, my relationships with my friends (I'll just spend a short time with you long enough to have my presence be felt then I'll go do my own thing or what i want to do). I have also seen it with how I give to people. Because I get paid to serve others, it has been easy for me to forget that serving others has to have no personal agenda. C.S. Lewis recently reminded me of this principle.
I know this writing is not eloquent nor is it formatted to flow to the best of its capabilities and for someone who is getting a graduate degree in English you would expect their writings to be of a higher standard. Well let this be a fair warning to you that this is my personal overflow. I'm writing what comes to mind, not what makes sense.
I must close these thoughts for now, it is three am and tomorrow is a full day, like all should be. I pose these questions because I am fearful how I got here and wander how everyone has as well(hopefully not but fearfully most have). I never saw my self as someone who would settle or not be fully invested in something. This concept was foreign to me. I always had motivation in what I did. During my undergrad, i had tons of motivation for graduating. Even when I worked in restaurants knowing this was just a pay check to get me through school, i had motivation that i would never go back to it once i was doing what i loved. So in school and even at work i would have plenty of motivation to get me through the dry times. I never had a clock in clock out attitude (or for most part i didn't). But suddenly i find my self submersed in a mindset of preventive investment. Motivation is harder to find these days, is it because of the economy? I doubt it, money has never seem to be a motivator to me. I'm going to one of the most expensive schools and that doesn't provide me motivation to invest fully in my studies.
I feel im in bondage to just existing and not living and how everything I'm doing is in preparation for the next step. That my schooling is preparing me for the next step instead of experiencing school for whats its worth now. That my role at work is preparing me for advancing in the company or my skills instead of living in the role I've been cast. How my musical focus is on things that haven't happened instead of finishing the projects I've begun.
I hope i can revive in me the person who despised complacency and would never had lent a hand to apathy. I refuse to "clock in & out". I want to invest, and then harvest the fruit.
